Istikhara – The Virtue Of Involving Allah In Your Life
By Pure Matrimony - Allah SWT in all his power did not leave us on this
Earth without any form of guidance. He in all his infinite mercy created
us and sent us the Qur’an as a means to live. And of all the most
beautiful things which Allah SWT has given us is Istikhara – direct
counsel from Allah SWT Himself!
All this means is that when you make the intention of doing anything
which is a major decision in your life such as moving home, buying
something expensive, taking a particular action or when marrying
someone, you can ask your Creator for guidance through istikhara.
And verily Allah SWT does not turn away his believing servant who
offers his salah and abstains from bad and makes istikhara to help make
the best decisions that will be of benefit to them. The truth is that
people will often think something is good for them, when in actual fact
it is very bad for them. But they don’t know this.
When you make istikhara, you are asking Allah SWT Himself what HE
KNOWS to be right for you. You aren’t relying on your own heart or mind
to make a decision because Allah knows what we do not, and it is HE who
decides if something is good for us or not.
When you intend to marry someone, ALWAYS make istikhara so you will
know yourself once and for all whether someone is worth it for you and
if they are good for you. Sometimes we are blinded by our feelings
towards someone so much that we can’t see whether or not this person
will be good for us in the long term.
But when you make istikhara, Allah will show you whether this person
is good for you by either making your affairs EASY or DIFFICULT. If it
is easy for you, then Allah has willed it for you. And if it is
difficult for you, then Allah is actually turning you away from it.
Narrated by Jabir RA:
The Prophet used to teach us the Istikhara for each
and every matter as he used to teach us the Suras from the Holy Qur’an.
(He used to say), “If anyone of you intends to do something, he should
offer a two-Rak’at prayer other than the obligatory prayer, and then
say: ‘Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi’ilmika, wa astaqdiruka
biqudratika, wa as’aluka min fadlika-l-’azim, fa innaka taqdiru wala
aqdiru, wa ta’lamu wala a’lamu, wa anta’allamu-l-ghuyub. Allahumma in
kunta ta’lamu anna hadha-lamra khairun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa ‘aqibati
amri (or said, fi ‘ajili amri wa ajilihi) fa-qdurhu li, Wa in kunta
ta’lamu anna ha-dha-l-amra sharrun li fi dini wa ma’ashi wa ‘aqibati
amri (or said, fi ajili amri wa ajilihi) fasrifhu ‘anni was-rifni ‘anhu
wa aqdur li alkhaira haithu kana, thumma Raddani bihi,” Then he should mention his matter (need).
Istikhara is one of the BEST and most recommended actions you can
take BEFORE you marry someone so you can PREVENT problems from the
outset and have a happy, fulfilled and blessed marriage Insha’Allah.
Put it this way – if Allah decides someone is good for us, who are we
then to question his judgement?
Doing istikhara means having COMPLETE reliance on Allah SWT and
trusting Him to make the best decision for you. Unlike popular myths out
there, you don’t have a dream which tells you what to do. Nor can you
ask someone to make istikhara on your behalf.
It’s also worth noting that one of the conditions of Istikhara is
that you MUST be doing your five daily salahs and must keep away from
bad things. Allah SWT will only accept the duas of those who are
obedient to Him, and remember that there is NO obedience to any creation
over obedience to the Creator. And may Allah SWT make it easy for us
all and give us the means to be dutiful servants to Him so we may
prosper in this life and the next – ameen. Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Source:www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site for Practicing Muslims Want to know more practical tips of how to avoid problems
in your marriage? Then register for our upcoming event: Marital
Breakdown – It’s Causes and its Cures by going to:https://www.facebook.com/events/430825856991595/ Love this article? Sign up for even more amazing content atwww.PureMatrimony.com/blogwhere we update our blog on marital issues regularly. Love to learn? Like us on Facebook by going tohttps://www.facebook.com/PureMatrimonywhere we share details on webinars and lectures by prominent Shayookhs every month! You are free to use this article on your website or
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at the end!
By Pure Matrimony - Source: aaila.org Author: Abu I’mran I
apologies in advance to any sisters reading this, but there is a
serious point that I am trying to get across. It is currently ‘that time
of the month’ for my wife and she has gone off in a huff over a picture
of a lemon (or so I think). This is nothing new and something that I
have become used to over the period of our marriage. Things like this
are trivial to me, but seem to tip her over the edge. However, I then
remembered that one of the qualities of all good Muslims is patience (sabr).
I know that at ‘this time of the month’, I need to just let her be
rather than make a bigger issue about this. She will eventually calm
down and things will be normal again.
‘What does this have to do with parenting/mums?’ you are probably
asking? Well, something that I learnt on a very good course that I went
to recently (‘Home Sweet Home’ by Al Kauthar Institute), was that the first thing that a woman should look for in a potential husband is moral conduct. The Prophet (SAW) said: “If a man comes (and asks for your daughter’s hand in
marriage), who possesses ethical conduct and religious origin, then
marry him (to her). If you do not, it will be a great trial and mischief
on the face of the earth.”(Tirmidhi, Ibn-Majah and al-Hakim)
In the commentary for this hadith, it says that if a man does not
possess moral conduct, then he may not treat her kindly and with greater
understanding, especially at ‘that time of the month’. Patience is one
manifestation of this moral conduct and I would say that this also
applies to how you treat your children too, and not just your wife. The
understanding that a husband should give to his wife, should also be
applied to his children too, as the consequences will accumulate and hit
you when you least expect it (and want it).
Raising children is difficult and Alhamdulillah, we are now living in
a time where more people realize that both parents have an important
role to play in this process. Without patience, I believe that you will
be raising children who will also not have patience. First and foremost,
we are examples to our children and they invariably learn by watching
us. We must therefore show some patience in order to receive it, and for
them to practice this. I am not saying that this is easy, as this can
be a very hard thing to remember when one of your children is squashing
his lunch into the carpet whilst the other is crying! But I firmly
believe that even in such situations, if you are patient, you will
succeed in the long run. Persevere with trying to get your child to eat,
potty train, say ‘salam’ to guests, etc. And ultimately, I keep in mind
that our children are a trust from Allah (SWT) and they will testify to
him, as to whether we raised them up well. It was narrated from
‘Abd-Allah (RA) that the Prophet (SAW) said: “Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his
flock. The ruler who is in charge of people is a shepherd and is
responsible for them. The man is the shepherd of his household and is
responsible for them. The woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house
and child and is responsible for them. The slave is the shepherd of his
master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and
each of you is responsible for his flock.” (al-Bukhari, 2416; Muslim,
1829)
My message to myself and everyone is that ultimately, we will all
reap what we sow If we bear the trials of parenthood with patience, we
will Inshallah succeed in raising pious children who will in turn treat
us with patience, when we need it the most (if we live that long!). Source: aaila.org
From My Heart To Yours – The Hidden Dangers Of Love
Love
is blind, so they say. Is it REALLY? I’ve spent the last 20 years
observing ‘love’ in difficult and exceptional circumstances and have
come to one conclusion and one conclusion alone. Love is a disease
which needs to be treated with one remedy and one alone – marriage.
Ibn ‘Abbaas also narrated that the Prophet said: “Marriage is the best solution for those in love.” [Ibn Maajah]
The truth of the matter is that when two people are in love, the see
no one else except their own desires and easily fall into sin. There is
no ‘halal’ love.
The Prophet SAW says: “No man is alone with a woman but the shaytaan is the
third one present.” [Narrated by Ahmad, al-Tirmidhi and al-Haakim;
classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ (2546)
The hadith proves one thing and one thing alone – that no matter how
well meaning our intentions are, Shaytaan always comes between two
people to cause their hearts to become weak. And I have witnessed this
countless times over my lifetime…
While at college, I witnessed a brother who became rather obsessed by
a sister who happened to be a Shia. She found him witty, charming and
funny and it would have been fair to say they had an instant attraction.
Over time, the two of them developed a special and deep bond – so
much so that they would never be seen without each other. This was the
‘romance of the college.’ Astagfirullah, the sister admitted to me that
she had indeed fallen into the major sin of fornication – insisting that
‘it just happened’. The worst of it was that they never married because
their aqeedah was completely different.
Then there are cases of so-called platonic relationships where these
too have ended up in fornication. The ‘love’ for a friend can often brew
into something more – which can ruin lives and leave guilt that lasts a
lifetime.
I’ve often heard people saying that their intentions were ‘good’ when
they initially wanted to marry someone and weren’t interested in
anything other than marriage. Family problems and the refusal to allow
people to marry because of ethnicity, backgrounds, cultures etc can
cause heartache for the ones in question…and this can eventually lead
into sin.
The truth of the matter is that unless you are so exceptionally
strong in your faith to turn away the desires of the heart, the best
solution is to keep away from the one you have feelings for and get the
family involved so they can get you married in the most respectful way
possible.
I’ve seen sisters who have emotionally blackmailed brothers into
marrying them or being with them. I even heard of a case where a sister
deliberately got pregnant because she didn’t want to lose the brother.
Five years later, they are divorced and there is a constant struggle
between the two with regards to the children.
I’ve witnessed brothers promise sisters the world and then give them
nothing in return except heartache. I know of a sister who married a
brother with a drinking problem because he swore he would change after
marriage. It never happened and ten years and two children later, they
are divorced.
There is no such thing as ‘halal’ love, no matter how well meaning
your intentions are. The affairs of the heart are not easy and in every
case the only solution if you truly fear Allah SWT is to get married as
soon as possible so that your desires can be nurtured in a halal way
that is acceptable to Allah SWT.
May Allah SWT protect us all from falling into sin and grant us
righteous spouses who keep us happy and fulfilled and help us attain
jannah – ameen.
Written by The Girl In The Black Hijaab Pure Matrimony… ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Source: www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site for Practicing Muslims Want to know the truth about halal and haram relationships? Then join Sheikh Musleh Khan for the upcoming webinar ‘Haram and Halal Relationships In Islam’ by registering at https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/405316082 Love this article? Sign up for even more amazing content at www.PureMatrimony.com/blog where we update our blog on marital issues regularly. Love to learn? Like us on Facebook by going to https://www.facebook.com/PureMatrimony where we share details on webinars and lectures by prominent Shayookhs every month! You are free to use this article on your website or
newsletter as long as you ensure you credit our site and Facebook page
at the end!
So You Want To Marry My Daughter?
By Pure Matrimony - Source:www.saudilife.net Author: Uzma Awan
THERE comes a time in your life when you have accomplished all the general things according to people’s criteria and
a position on the invisible advisory board for public service opens up
for you. Now, if you are explicitly a quiet person, it is implied you
are a good listener as well. If you are a polite and down-to-earth
person, it is expected you will totally accept other’s alibi and submit.
This brings along surprises, amusements, shocks, disappointments,
anguish and eventually exasperation.
Since your marital experience has crossed the +1 mark, you are now
entitled to join the league of match making ladies. In the process you
will meet sisters acknowledging, “There aren’t any good men left anymore” and brothers asking, “So, do you have any suitable girl for me in your mind?” The latter will give you a momentary jolt. You will have a quick talk with your inner self, “Do I look that old now?” But since, you have accepted a position on that invisible advisory board you are to honor your duties dutifully.
Assuming the responsibility, a series of questions and answers follow. The following is how the conversation takes place: You: “What kind of a girl do you have in mind?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “Ah, well you know! She
should be mature, educated, friendly, able to adjust with family, simple
yet able to move in crowd with me, and of course a practicing Muslimah. She must wear hijab and offer all her prayers. That’s a must you know.” You: [memorizing the long list of must-haves and
knowing how looks are important to some of us] “And what about her
looks? You are okay with marrying anyone? Looks aren’t that important
for you?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “O no! The Prophet said
we should have a look at the girl before marrying her. You can certainly
show her picture or introduce her to me. You can send me link to her
social media profile, can’t you?” You: [Concealing uneasiness] “But if she is a practicing Muslimah how will she allow her picture being sent over?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “Ah well! Because shewants to get married.” You: [O so that’s the reason. Gulping it down the throat; change the subject] “And what do you do for a living?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: [laughter] “Nothing.” You: [jaw dropped, eyebrows raised] “What do you mean by nothing?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “Well, I graduated from [insert any renowned university]. I have a Masters in [insert any popular degree].” You: “Yeah that’s brilliant but what about your career? What do you plan to do in your life?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “Well, I live with my parents I don’t need to work.” You: “Then how will you bear the expenses; your own and your wife’s? You understand your family will be growing in the future, in sha Allah?” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “I have a rich Dad. He pays for my expenses. He will take care of us.” You: [losing your patience] “I am not sure if any
father would like to give his daughter’s hand in marriage to someone
whose future is uncertain. You need to do something. You have to show
you are responsible and can be depended upon.” Too-excited-to-be-a-groom: “The Prophet said, when
you are giving your daughter’s hand in marriage choose the one whose
faith pleases you. I am a good Muslim I don’t cause anyone any harm.”
[followed by a big wide smile] You: [flabbergasted! Desperately waiting for the
phone to ring. Hoping the aunty sitting two tables across you waves and
calls you over. Help’s not coming….run!]
We, the Muslims, the lovers of Rasoolullah sallAllahu aalyhi wa sallam stumble and falter trying to submit to the commands of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, but we try our best to hold on to our Prophet’s Sunnah. There’s one Sunnah in particular that is too dear to our hearts – marriage is half of your deen.
Indeed, it is! Since we are quoting the best person who ever walked on this earth, let’s peek into his seerah to educate ourselves on how he lived.
His first marriage to a rich businesswoman took place when he was
only twenty five years old. An age most of us would like to get married
by. How was he chosen as the best prospect among several others?
Khadeeja radhiAllahi anha chose him after evaluating his honesty and trustworthiness in business dealings.
As much as a daughter’s marriage is any parents’ biggest dream come
true, they will not give her hand to just about anyone. Marriage is a
heavy responsibility. It is also a trust from Allahsubhanahu wa ta’ala. Parents
will thoroughly investigate the prospective husband’s background and
when it satisfies their heart only then will they approve of him.
Putting yourself in any parent’s position, reflect on the following: Alhumdulillah that you are a good Muslim, and you do not
cause anyone any harm, but being a Muslim doesn’t mean to sit back and
see life unfold. By being curious about your working status, we, the
parents, are not eyeing your money. We want to ensure when times are
tough you will remain her strongest shoulder. She will not reminisce the
days spent at her parents’ home and feel her past was better than her
today. She wouldn’t look at us with complaining eyes in silence; her
state narrating her ordeal. We don’t want either of you to hold grudges
or anger and harm your own health. We want her to look forward to her
life with you.
We have not raised our daughter to chase dunya, alhumdulillah like you she is a good Muslimahas
well. She is not a materialistic person but she is a human, you know?
She has needs. There will be grocery expenses even if she chooses frugal
living for herself. You expect her to accompany you at social
gatherings; she will need clothes to adorn. She can live with one new
dress in two months, but clothes cost money, you know?
With the coming of the baby, in sha Allah, the expenses will
increase further. The baby ain’t a toy either even if you choose
mother’s milk and cloth diapers for him, there will be pediatrician’s
visits you can’t avoid.
You see we raised our daughter with good values and pleasing conduct.
We equipped her with the right education. We now expect that her knight
in shining armor will take care of our beautiful daughter the way we
did. He will help her grow both emotionally and intellectually. He will
be a reason for her personal strength.
You may be a gentleman, but by your following a disciplined life
proves you are responsible. You have goals and some purpose to serve. We
don’t expect you to be a CEO at a multinational. We didn’t say your
salary should be in six figures. Our expectations are quite realistic.
We want our daughter to feel good about herself, safe and fulfilled
while being with you.
And if you say you will pick some freelance projects, when your
parents stop supporting you, do you expect us to see our daughter suffer
between project to project not knowing when the next project will come?
As much as you want to marry a mature girl who supports and stands by
you, we hope you will be mature enough to provide her a life worth
standing by you.
We can’t marry our daughter off because she must be married.
We love her and we want to ensure what’s best for her. If you want to
hasten the marriage process for the sake of commitment, we advise you to
speed up your job hunting process as well. It is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala Who writes the qadr. If you have been chosen as her prospective husband, there’s nothing in the world that can alter it.
We don’t have any unreasonable expectations, you see? It is our heart that seeks contentment. Source:www.saudilife.net Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Want to use this article on your website, blog or
newsletter? You are welcome to reprint this information as long as you
include the following information:Source: www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site For Practicing Muslims Love this article? Learn more by signing up for our updates here:http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com Or register with us to find half of your deen Insha’Allah by going to:www.PureMatrimony.com
By Pure Matrimony - Source: saudilife.net Author: Zainab Bint Younus TWO
extremes are found amongst the Muslim youth regarding marriage:
Over-idealism, wherein they imagine that marriage will make their life
perfect; and severe pessimism, wherein marriage is viewed to be the end
of independence, ambition, and a future career.
Marriage is rarely seen for what it is: a long-term blessed bond
between a Muslim man and woman, a relationship of love, compassion, and
growth in all areas of life. Islam’s concept of marriage is a
wholesome, encompassing ideal, which recognizes not only the blessings
and challenges of marriage on an individual level, but a societal one as
well. Many of the ayaat and ahadeeth relating to
the marital bond contain references to the relationship between a man
and a woman, and its effect on society at large.
The Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:“If there comes to you to marry (your daughter) one who with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry (your daughter) to him, for if you do not do that, there will be fitnah (tribulation) in the land and widespread corruption.”(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1084; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 866.)
For those who imagine that marriage is the secret to a Disney kind of
happiness, this illusion will mostly likely be shattered quickly,
leaving them unable to cope with its reality. No two individuals can
live together, in close proximity and for an extended period of time,
without experiencing disagreements or moments of frustration and anger.
Being unable to recognize this, or accept this, is crippling – only
by realizing that this the natural course of life,
especially married life, will two spouses be able to identify the
appropriate manner of dealing with their issues and using it as a means
of strengthening their relationship, instead of allowing it to weaken
and destroy their marriage.
On the other hand, those who see marriage in a negative light will
miss out on the many wonderful things that a loving relationship has to
offer. Emotional companionship, the fulfillment of physical desires, and
the learning experience of journeying through life with a beloved
partner are all examples of what married life has to offer. It provides
one of the best opportunities for personal and emotional growth,
bringing about wisdom and insight on various matters of life. It can be a
source of deep happiness and intense joy, and indeed, some emotions
that can only be experienced through such a bond.
Allah (Subhan wa Ta’ala) describes spouses as being “garments for one another”(2:187);
meaning, that a husband and wife are both an adornment for one another,
and a covering for one another – that they will always make each other
happy, feel beautiful, protect each other and look out for one another.
One major problem in youthful marriages is that of having unrealistic
ideals. Whenever there are Islamic conferences or lectures
discussing marriage, usually the same technical questions are answered
over and over again. Hours of discussion revolve around how the
Sahabah married early and RasulAllah (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam)
encouraged families not to turn away “young men of good character.”
Unfortunately, many young Muslim men unwittingly think that they are
similar to Abdullah ibn Umar, Ali ibn Abi Talib, or Anas ibn Malik in
their Deen and thus, are certain that they will be highly sought-after
as husbands! After all, they follow the Sunnah, go to the masjid, attend
duroos, lead youth programs, and are growing their beards. Why would
any sister they propose to say no?
In reality, the majority of these young men lack basic akhlaaq
(manners) in knowing how to deal with women or even treat them according
to their basic rights. They believe that as men, they have the right to
do whatever they want and say whatever they wish; they will lay down
the rules! They know their rights!
Many Muslim men, especially those who are young and single, do not
realise that marriage is not about being “the boss” and exercising their
power over their wives.
On the other hand, young Muslim women have unrealistic expectations as well. From the very beginning, many demand a high mahr and lay out conditions in the ‘aqd (contract)
to make it clear that she will only do certain things and cannot be
restricted from anything. A Muslim woman’s right, they believe, is that
she does not have to cook, clean, or do housework if she doesn’t want
to; and if she does, it is out of charity to the husband.
She can demand a maid, ask for expensive clothing, be kept at the
standard or above that which she is used to – despite the fact that she
has her own earnings from her own work! She knows her rights and is not
prepared to be flexible. The problem here is that both sides are focusing on what they can
get out of the marriage as individuals, to fulfill their own
materialistic or egotistic needs. They are interested only in exacting
their own rights from the other party, without considering their
spouse’s rights over them. These days, very few people teach Muslim
youth that marriage requires great sacrifice from both sides. It is a
MUST that one knows how to give the other person their rights before
demanding your own.
In order for young Muslims to truly enjoy the benefits
of youthful marriage, it is imperative that they be equipped with a
realistic, holistic view of what it will entail. This can be achieved by
merging an understanding of RasulAllah’s behavior in his marriages with
the understanding that one cannot impose their own expectations on the
other individual without taking into consideration that person’s
character flaws and strengths. Source: saudilife.net
Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Want to use this article on your website, blog or
newsletter? You are welcome to reprint this information as long as you
include the following information:Source: www.PureMatrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Site For Practicing Muslims Love this article? Learn more by signing up for our updates here:http://www.muslimmarriageguide.com Or register with us to find half of your deen Insha’Allah by going to:www.PureMatrimony.com
By Pure Matrimony - Source: www.saudilife.net Author: Zainab Bint Younus Umm Zainab and Umm Khadijah answer questions and concerns about youthful marriage. 1)How do parents support newlywed youth, both financially and in terms of living arrangements?
Financial support is crucial for those who married while still in high school or just graduated.
A few solutions would be to help the husband find suitable
employment, while providing a monthly stipend in the meantime, or at
least until they are able to financially support themselves completely.
With regards to living arrangements, both sets of parents can
contribute towards renting an apartment, or the couple can work out an
arrangement to live with one set of parents at the family home.
Very young couples, such as those who are still in high school, can
agree to live apart at their own parents’ homes until they can stand on
their own two feet. 2) Should young couples start having children immediately or wait for a while?
Marriage requires a great deal of maturity, and parenthood even more
so! Young couples still studying should agree to wait for a stipulated
amount of time before starting a family, which is Islamically allowed as
long as both parties agree. They first need to adjust to marriage
itself before taking on the incredible responsibility of parenthood.
While Islam encourages married couples to have children, and evidence
proves that it’s healthier to have children while young, parenthood is a
huge responsibility that many young adults don’t take seriously. Just
as youth need to educate themselves about marriage before jumping into
it headfirst, they also need to educate themselves about parenthood and
what to expect. It is imperative that they fully understand the severity
and repercussions of parenthood.
Unfortunately, too many zealous young couples jump into parenthood
immediately after marriage, and cannot cope with the huge learning curve
required of them. Especially in cases where the couple themselves are
having difficulty in their relationship, bringing children into a
difficult situation only makes things worse, not better. 3)Should young couples expect to be in love immediately before or after marriage? How do they know what love is?
Two situations are most common when youthful marriage comes up. In
the first scenario, the couple have already met and interacted (often at
school, university, etc.) and feel that they’re already in love; they
wish to marry so that they can prevent themselves from committing any
sins. In the second, the youth have not ‘met’ anyone yet but want to get
married to preserve their chastity.
In the first situation, there is a hadith which is applicable: Narrated by IbnMaajah (1847),“There is nothing better for two who love one another than marriage.”(This hadeeth was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan Ibn Maajah).
In the second situation, both sides need to be aware that as long as
they have chosen correctly (with sincerity, understanding, and
maturity), both the lust and love will come as they get to know each
other on a daily basis.
In both situations, the youth need to be made aware of what ‘love’
truly means. The feeling/ experience of being “IN love” is very
different from the type of love that will evolve in a long-term
relationship (i.e. marriage). They cannot expect their marriage to be
healthy or long-term if they expect that the giddy feeling of being in
love will last; in fact, what they can count on is that it will fade
away very quickly, which is where the true test of maturity,
responsibility, and dedication to their marriage lies.
True love is one that takes longer to show itself, but once planted,
is harder to cut. Youth have to understand that the ‘love’ they think
they feel initially is more lust then deep love. 4) How do parents know if their young adults are
emotionally mature enough for marriage? What if a parent wants to
support their youth (esp. sons) in getting married early, but know that
their child is not mature enough to handle it?
Let’s be realistic: most parents today are a bit clueless as to their
kids’ maturity, especially their sons. Many mothers mollycoddle their
sons into thinking the world revolves around them, instead of raising
them to be responsible young men and adults who know how to take care of
another human being!
If a youth who is not emotionally mature seeks to marry and the
parents realize that, then they should explain to them in clear terms
that marriage is not something to be played with. It has
responsibilities and obligations not just to themselves but to another
person as well. Once the commitment has been made, you can’t just decide
tomorrow that you suddenly prefer the single life and no
responsibilities.
If the young man or woman insists on getting married but still
displays a lot of immaturity, “test” them as a means of pointing out how
much they have to learn. Give them serious responsibilities that are a
small taste of what they will have to expect in a marriage; for example,
finding and maintaining a job, taking care of elderly grandparents,
learning how to manage a household (this applies equally to boys as well
as girls), being made to deal with the emotional consequences of their
actions, etc. 5) Is it easier to get married at a younger age in the West or in Muslim countries?
Youthful marriage is difficult for Muslims in the West as well as in
Muslim countries, from both a legal and societal point of view.
Western countries have a legal minimal age at which young adults can
marry with or without parental permission. In most cases the legal age
to marry with parental permission is 16 for both sexes.
Societally, young marriages are strongly discouraged by parents and
peers, as it is seen to be a responsibility ‘too big’ for youth to take
on; society does not deem them ready for such responsibility. Unless
youth have a strong support system, it is extremely difficult for them
to not only get married, but sustain the marriage through the inevitable
challenges that they will face.
Muslim countries generally are more lax when it comes to the legal
age of marriage, although many countries are trying to combat this by
raising the legal age to 18. However, because it is traditional in many
Muslim countries for people to marry at a younger age, it is much more
common and easier in legal terms for youth to get married. In many
areas, it is still easier for youth to marry in Muslim countries and
receive support from their families and community at large.
Unfortunately, the media only reports cases where youth (especially
young women) have been taken advantage of or had their rights abused.
The main challenges facing youth who wish to marry in Muslim
countries are societal obstacles, such as the practice of demanding an
extravagant amount of money for the mahr. Furthermore, many
youth (especially young men) are not raised to be emotionally mature;
thus, even those who do get married at an earlier age will go through
many difficulties because they have not learned about conflict
resolution, compromise, and how to be compassionate to their spouses.
Youthful marriage is a Sunnah that needs to be revived in order to
combat the many social ills taking place today, both in the West and in
Muslim countries. The prevalence of a hyper sexualized global culture
means that young Muslims are exposed to inappropriate concepts and
images at a younger and younger age, thereby igniting physical desires.
Unfortunately, emotional and mental maturity are not taught and fostered
at a similar rate, leaving Muslim parents and youth in a predicament
that needs to be combated.
Cultivating a holistic understanding of an Islamic marriage is
necessary for all young Muslims who want to do the right thing by
getting married early. They and their parents must be aware of the
Islamic responsibilities that marriage entails, as well as the emotional
maturity and intelligence to maintain a dedicated, long-term
relationship. Muslim youth who make the choice to marry young will face
many challenges and tests, including societal pressure, financial
difficulty, and personal growing pains.
It must also be understood that young marriages are not for everyone,
and it cannot be considered a blanket solution to all of society’s
problems. As much as we strongly advise young Muslims to consider a
young marriage, please proceed with caution.
Finally, it must be remembered that all success lies in Allah’s
Hands. Always turn to Him in prayer, repentance, and supplication,
trusting in Him to guide you to that which is best for you in this world
and the Hereafter. Only by having complete tawakkul in Him alone can Muslim youth hope to have successful marriages that will, inshaAllah, lead to a successful Aakihrah. We ask Allah to help all young Muslims abstain from the haram and pursue thehalal for His Sake, and find spouses that will be a source of love, serenity, and a partner in the journey to Jannah. Source: www.saudilife.net
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Although the following advice is for brothers, it paints a beautiful picture of what a wife should truly be like…
By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.hough the following advice is for brothers, it paints a beautiful picture of what a wife should truly be like…
She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will
share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams
and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you;
when you need help, she will do all she can for you.
When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she
will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you
wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during
the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by
her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all
her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last
thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will
still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.
The best description that I personally have ever read describing the
closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur’aan’s verse which
says, “They are your garments and you are their garments.” (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187)
Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide
one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support,
and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a
journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us
with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the
journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan
journey.
The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human
relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness,
mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of
the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that it is an act of Allah(subhanahu wa ta’aalaa),“And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature …” (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)
Only our Almighty Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aalaa) in His Infinite
Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these
amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah
(subhanahu wa ta’aalaa) is reminding those who search for His signs in
the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among
the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur’an,
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put
love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those
who reflect.” (Surah Al Rum 30:21)
But Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aalaa) knows that the human heart is not a
static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can
and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond
might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be
taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from
both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep
growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.
Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together.
Strengthening the bond between you and Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aalaa) is
the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain
strong. Having peace with Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aalaa) will always result in having more peace at home. Remember that the Prophet (salallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) gave
glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together.
The Prophet (salallaahu ‘alayhi wasallam) even urged the spouse who
rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water
on his/her face.
Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses
until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even
great, but not enough! Love should never end and we do believe
there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this
world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and
offsprings. Source: idealmuslimah.com
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Author: Abu Aaliyah Surkheel Sharif
Source: aaila.org
The Qur’an says: And of His signs is that He created for you
wives from yourselves that you might find repose in them, and He set
between you love and affection. In this are signs for people who
reflect. [30:21]
One hadith states: “Marriage is of my guidance; one who
acts contrary to my guidance is not of me. Thus marry, that I may
outnumber other nations by you. Those of you who possess the means
should marry. If he cannot, let him fast, for fasting is a shield.”1 The Qur’an says: And of His signs is that He created for
you wives from yourselves that you might find repose in them, and He set
between you love and affection. In this are signs for people who
reflect. [30:21]
Marriage, the shared life of man and woman, is commended in the
Revelation as being honourable. It was the way of God’s prophets, with
the notable exception of Jesus, son of Mary, peace be upon him. We sent Messengers before you, says the Qur’an, and appointed for them wives and children. [13:38] Here, in the above hadith, we see the Prophet, peace be upon him, adorning the institution of marriage with his words.
Given the gravity and importance of marriage, it must not be
entered into hastily or unadvisedly. But rather, honourably, reverently
and soberly and with trust in God. The causes for marriage should be contemplated over before embarking on this quest of intimacy.
In Islam’s legal literature the causes for which marriage was ordained are said to be:
Firstly, that the natural instincts of love and intimacy implanted by God can be given blessed expression.
Secondly, for the increase of humankind and for children to be brought up in God’s remembrance and in reverant thanks of Him.
Thirdly, for the benefit of society at large: for family is
the foundation of a just and caring society; it is the realm in which
love, duty, commitment, support and sacrifice are first encountered and
learnt.2
To state it in the language of anthropologists, the function of
marriage is to ensure: social reproduction, the socializing of children
and the passing on of social capital.3
Sexual relations outside of marriage (zina) is seen in Islam as one
of the primary causes of social disintergration, to be avoided at all
cost. Adultery and fornication, both subsumed under zina, stand in
direct opposition to marriage. In fact, Islamic law conciously sets out
to combat zina through marriage, as may be sensed in the above hadith.
This explains the juristic stance which holds marriage to be wholly
obligatory in the case of those whose sexual desires are uncontrollable
or nearly so. The failure to marry, in such a case, is said to entail
sin (ithm), to be punished in the Afterlife. For those with “average”
sex drive and who are able to keep their urge in check, marriage is held
to be recommended. Those with no inclination to marriage or no sexual
desire – either due to old age, illness, or any other reason – some
jurists still deemed marriage recommended; others held it to be disliked
(makruh), especially if it takes them away from what is more beneficial
in terms of gaining religious knowledge or being engrossed in
devotional worship.4
The nuances found in the juristic rulings on marriage reflect a
sensitivity towards differences among people in this regard. But the
different rulings corresponding to the differences in people’s nature is
intended to serve a single, overarching purpose: social harmony.5
1. Ibn Majah, Sunan, no.1836. The hadith is hasan, as per
al-Albani, Silsilat al-Ahadith al-Sahihah (Riyadh: Maktabah al-Ma‘arif,
1991), no.2383. 2. Cf. Ibn Qudamah, al-Mughni (Riyadh: Dar ‘Alam al-Kutub, 2007), 9:343. 3. Scruton, Arguments for Conservatism (London: Continuum, 2006), 95. 4. See: al-Mughni, 9:341-44. 5. Consult: Hallaq, Shari‘ah: Theory, Practice, Transformations (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2009), 272. Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Article by- Aaila- The Muslim Family Magazine – brought to you by Pure Matrimony-www.purematrimony.com– The World’s Largest Matrimonial Service For Practising Muslims. Love this article? Learn more by signing up for our updates here:http://purematrimony.com/blog Or register with us to find half of your deen Insha’Allah by going to:www.PureMatrimony.com
Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me
from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The
nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled
with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was
Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time
slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to
draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me.
With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So
I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raisethem? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh
every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted
her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen
her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted
to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against
the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about
the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their
dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks,
“What can I give?”
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly.
For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and
resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us
could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single,
or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that
marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is
about the person you love. And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive.
And not just from your significant other, but from their friends
and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had
your love remained self-centered. Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Article by-Seth Adam Smith– brought to you by Pure Matrimony-www.purematrimony.com– The World’s Largest Matrimonial Service For Practising Muslims. Love this article? Learn more by signing up for our updates here:http://purematrimony.com/blog Or register with us to find half of your deen Insha’Allah by going to:www.PureMatrimony.com
‘Happily ever after‘…How Not to Enter Into A Relationship
By Pure Matrimony -
Author: Zaima Khaliq
‘Happily ever after‘…possibly the most loaded words in the
entire English language. When these three words are uttered, almost
involuntarily, vivid imagery invades the mind of glistening horse drawn
carriages and endless romantic sunsets. Coupled with unrealistic media
depictions, young impressionable minds are swept away with childhood
tales of true love, which often portray a defenceless female who
aimlessly stumbles upon prince charming, saving her from a life of
spinsterhood and destitution, and upon meeting, and completing one
another’s lives, the couple wed and, you guessed it …live ‘happily ever
after’.
You see, Instilled within us, is a notion of incompletion. That we as
individuals, are in some way deficient until we discover our long lost
other halves and unite to create a picture perfect version of ‘us’. This
sense of longing only substantiates the simple fact that our souls are
hungry for completion, but we cannot be satiated by love alone. The
constant yearning for human companionship and belonging cannot simply be
quenched by the uniting of two very different individuals. In-fact, our
ever-present deficits within our characters can only be filled by a
power much higher than anything we wield, here on earth.
Therefore, it would seem that these three relatively harmless words
have a much more malicious affect, than our fairytales would have us
believe…
The biggest misconception we face in marriage is the notion that this is the end of the story.
That the ultimate climax has been reached and it’s all up hill from
here, which is exactly what the our fairytales tell us. However, this
simply could not be further from the truth. Instead of seeing marriage
as the ultimate ending, we must alter our perceptions and actually see marriage for what it is, a new beginning. A
new challenge that requires us to take on new roles and
responsibilities, and adapt to life as a unit rather than an individual.
A marriage can only thrive, when it is seen for what it truly is, an act of worship in obedience to Allah swt.
A state in which you can gain a better relationship with Allah swt,
through obtaining and maintaining a better relationship with your
spouse. Just look at the mercy of Allah swt! in creating a happy life
for you and your partner, you are fulfilling one of the greatest aspects
of our faith. That’s why marriage can be seen a one of the greatest
vehicles in taking you towards God, as it is after all, half your deen.
However, problems arise when many of us seek marriage, not as
an act of worship, but rather to fulfil our own needs and desires for
companionship. Its completely human to want intimacy and
closeness, these are some of the biggest blessings of being in a
relationship. Although, if this is the case, you may find that your
relationship, despite being close and connected, will not be entirely
fulfilling, simply because you entered it with the wrong intentions.
Trust me, as a self confessed hopeless romantic, this can be a hard
concept to grasp, but you must remember that disillusionment will
inevitably lead to disappointment. You see, by holding a mere person in
such high esteem, we come to expect things from our partners. For
example, how many times have you felt like your husband should
instinctually know how you feel, or what your thinking ect ect. By
pinning all our hopes on dreams on this mere mortal, we put them in a
position they were never meant to be in, and one they are certainly not
equipped to deal with. This will inevitably leave you feeling
disappointed and disheartened… What we need to remember is that
it is God, and God alone, who can fulfill our souls. Not our partners.
In fact marriage should first and foremost be a joint effort to strive
towards the bigger picture of Jannah to meet our creator.
So, we can conclude that when entering into a relationship,
it’s crucial to go in with a real understanding of what to expect. Yes,
there may well be moments of pure marital bliss, but they will be
accompanied by some hurdles. Be prepared and above all, be realistic.
As Shakespeare so eloquently said…expectation is the root of all
heartache. Also it’s simply unfair to go to someone with empty hands
wanting to be filled by them. It’s a much more desirable position
to enter into a relationship fully satiated with your faith in Allah swt
and be able to share that with your partner as opposed to be left
wanting. True fulfillment as an individual comes from a solid relationship with the creator and the creator alone.
Marriage is so often considered the end of the story, but it’s
not at all. Jannah is the conclusion and simply the very best ending to
any story, may we meet there one day …Ameen.
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‘I want jannah to lie under your feet!’ exclaimed the
brother who was so adamant he was not going to take no for an answer.
Sister Amira was very flattered. She had never in her life been paid so
many compliments before, and she was rather enjoying it…
This may sound like something out of a modern romance novel, but the
truth is that for many women, these kinds of chat up lines seem to be
exactly the kind of thing that lure them straight into the hands of
predators – the kind of men who love to prey upon women. Predators are clever and dangerous in many ways and are very highly manipulative. They
are the kind of people that have the ability to get whatever they want
out of people – and almost with no effort whatsoever.
Once their victim is ensnared, it’s almost mind-boggling how quickly
the predators do a ‘bait and switch’ – in other words, they immediately
capture their victims attention for long enough to manipulate them into
thinking they are the perfect person and everyone else is wrong.
Then once they have their victim where they want them, they change.
At first they shower their victims with love and romance, they may marry
them and even get them pregnant so women feel helpless and think they
cannot cope on their own. Predators usually have one goal or motive in mind – they want to get whatever they can out of you.
Whether that is money, status, citizenship or even to just use and
abuse you, once they have what they want, they often move on and leave
you hanging – often for months or years at a time. The women who are involved are usually easy prey. They are
naturally vulnerable or have exposed their weakness to the brother in
question in some way or the other. More often than not, it’s a
woman’s desperation to get married that can often lead her to make
stupid mistakes and fall for the wrong person. This is because Allah has
made women emotionally weak. It is their natural fitrah, and also one
of the reason’s your wali should always be involved in the process. If a man sees a woman who is sad, lonely, going through a hard
time with her family, who is divorced (with or without kids), he will
often present himself as her ‘saviour’. He will offer to rescue her out of her misery and make her see that everyone else is against her for whatever reason.
Once they have what they want, they often discard the woman in the
same way you would get rid of a toy with no use – abandoned and
forgotten and then eventually thrown away.
For the sisters in this mess, it can ruin lives to such an extent
that family ties are broken, they are squandered of their wealth and
they have nothing left emotionally or mentally. It can break them down
and tear them apart.
It sullies sisters into a state of deep depression and anxiety and
countless ‘what if I had never met him’ or ‘I wish I had never listened
to his sweet talk’ – but these things only serve to make sisters feel
worse about their situation. So what should you do to prevent yourself being the victim of a
predator? How can you spot whether the person who is promising you the
stars can actually deliver the moon and not a broken dream instead?
If you’re worried about ensuring the person you’re considering for
marriage is the right one, then make sure you register for our FREE webinar ‘Predators, Gold-Diggers and Players – Warning Signs Your Prospective Spouse Is A Fake!’with Sheikh Musleh Khan which will take place on Tuesday 17th December at 5pm GMT Time. To register, all you need to do is enter your name and email in the signup form below: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/887791058
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Coping With Difficulties In Your Search For A Spouse- Sh. Alaa El Sayed
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Discussions with a close friend were once dominated by her
excitement and continuous expressions that she wanted to get married.
She told me she had a brother in mind that captivated her with his
charm, intelligence, and handsome looks. She said that he was interested
in her as well. She spoke about many things about him, but none of what
she knew was of real substance. To help her think through her quest for
marriage, I reminded her about the importance of practicing patience
when choosing a mate. However in haste, she drove an emotional whirlwind
full of infatuation and excitable hormones straight into the marriage.
They were not so lucky. Within eight months the marriage was over.
Incompatibilities in their practice of Islam, their cultures, and their
life goals were key factors in doom of the marriage.
What was her explanation for the failure of the marriage? She said
the brother was not ready for marriage. She also thought that she would
not have been able to know that he was not ready even if they had not
rushed. She and I disagreed. Choosing a mate is the most important decision to make, after taking the shahadah (testimony of faith). The Quran says what means: {Marry
those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves,
male or female: if they are in poverty, Allaah will give them means out
of His grace: for Allaah encompasses all, and he knows all things.} [24:
32] Allaah places special emphasis on the importance of marriage and its role in our lives. Marriage is half of our deen (religion). The Quran states what means:{And
among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those
who reflect.} [30: 2 1]
Because marriage in Islam is so significant, it is important to
devote quality time and consideration in choosing the person in which
you will spend the rest of your life. Oftentimes, intended couples spend
more time planning the wedding ceremony than pre-marital planning.
However, more time should be spent getting to know your potential mate.
This article will provide basic guidelines that women should follow when
choosing a husband. Develop a foundation
First and foremost, women should begin preparation for marriage with
education, prayer, thikr (remembrance of Allaah), designation of a Wali
(guardian) if necessary, and study of religious practices. Education is
fundamental in learning about the importance of prayer and other Islamic
traditions. For example, women should understand that marriage in Islam starts in the dunya (world) and continues in the Hereafter.
Thus we are not only selecting a mate for this life, but also for the
next life-Insha Allaah. Artificial factors such as social status and
beauty should be regarded as less important compared to piety. The Quran
says what means: {But to those who receive guidance, He increases
the (light of) guidance, and bestows on them their piety and restraint
(from evil).} [47: 17] Piety strengthens character and brings us closer to Allaah.
It is natural for women to want security and for men to desire a
beautiful wife. Despite society’s emphasis on these and other ideals,
Muslims should refrain from placing too much effort and focus on
attaining worldly ideals. In other words, ascertaining a potential
mate’s sincerity in practicing the deen of Islam supercedes other
factors such as wealth, beauty or status. Seek Allaah’s guidance
Women should always seek Allaah’s guidance throughout their search for a spouse. And so, anytime one experiences doubt or concern she should make salah Istikharah—a prayer for guidance. This salah can be used at anytime. Practice proper etiquette
Courtship in Islam has parameters. As you get to know your
potential mate, it is best to do so within the permissible guidelines.
Generally speaking, a man and a woman are not to be alone if they are
not married. One hadeeth says, “A man should not be alone
with a woman, for verily Satan makes a third” (Muslim). A man should not
be secluded with a woman except with a mahram (guardian)” (Muslim).
Also, if an unmarried woman finds a man she is interested in, she must
not stare at him or approach him directly. The Quran says what means: {And
tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest. That is
purer for them. Lo! Allaah is aware of what they do.} [24: 30] All contact between the woman and her potential mate should be supervised by the woman’s wali. A wali is a legal guardian that is a friend or protector that is supposed to look out for her best interest. When speaking to their potential mate, women should speak in a
straightforward manner. Avoid flirtation and any sexually-oriented
discussion. Instead, discussion should remain casual and include
topics relevant to the pursuit of marriage. Discovering common
interests, understanding financial situations, sharing parenting
techniques and relating to in-laws are examples of allowed topics for
discussion. If and when it becomes evident that the potential marriage
couple is not compatible, the discussions should end. Consider religious compatibility
It is important to find out if you are compatible religiously with regard to day-to-day practices. One cannot always assume that being Muslim is a guarantee that you will be compatible or “equally yoked.”
Ask yourself—Does his practice of Islam seem freeing or restricting?
How does he feel about how you wear your garments? Would you prefer that
he wear thobs (traditional garments)? How does he measure piety? How
does he spend his time during Ramadhan? What are his views about the
cultural practices of Islam around the world? Does he adhere to the
performance of salah (5 times daily obligatory salah) with punctuality? Discuss expectations At advanced stages of your exploration, talk about each other’s personal expectations.
Ask about his views on birth control. Discuss a timeline in which you
would like to have children. Once you have children would be prefer that
you stay home? ‘Would you rather work? How do you feel about home
schooling your children? How does he feel about helping with chores
around the house? Discuss what your living arrangements will be. Talk to his family and friends Learn about your potential spouse by talking to his Family and
friends. By doing this you will gain an understanding about his
character. Talk to people who know him outside of his family. Ask
questions about his manner and how he treats people. Find out about his
temperament on various issues. What kinds of activities does he involve
himself with in the community? What are his immediate and long- term
plans? Find out his level of tolerance and accommodation for people
different from him. How does he relate to his parents and members of the
opposite sex? If lie has children, ho does he relate to them? Research
his character and personality by talking to people that know him. A man of good character is highly regarded in Islam. Imam Tirmithi narrated the following hadeeth, “If
one whose character and religion please you comes to you (with a
proposal), you should marry him (to your single women). If you do not do
so, there will be tribulations in the land and great corruption.” Also get to know about his parents.
Determine their level of likeness for you. Believe it or not, this is a
very important factor. Find out what his obligations to his parents
will be once you get married. Listen closely to what he has to say Find out why is interested in marrying you. Determine whether or
not he in solely interested in you or if his intentions are superficial.
For example, does he want to get married because all of his friends are
getting married? Determine if he is genuine, and seriously wants to
marry because he is in love. Ask personal questions As the discussions continue, ask more personal questions. Ask him what his views are on possessions, lifestyle and money. Inquire
about past legal issues. Has he ever had a run in with the law? Does he
have propensities to certain illnesses? Also, in his day and age, your
potential mate should be willing to have an AIDS examination prior to
marriage. If he has been married before, ask him how he dealt with
conflict and disagreements. Make certain that he is not learning just
enough about you in that he begins to tell you what he thinks you want
to hear. Ask him about his past career and future career plans. Ask him
questions that will reveal his values and perspectives on life and
global issues. What are his thoughts about women’s rights? How important
is health and diet to him? What is his opinion about polygamy? Ask
probing questions to help determine the possible success or failure of a
marriage. The more you can think to ask, the better. Observe him Attend community and social activities that he will also attend. Vary the situations and observe him to see how he interacts with people in different settings at different times. Ponder the long-term Does this man have flaws and weaknesses that can be tolerated for a lifetime?
Is he worth pleasing for Allah’s sake even when he does not live up to
expectations? Will he be a good father? Are there any issues that he
feels require abandoning a spouse? Seriously consider the number of
times he has been married if he has been married before. Know your needs Ponder whether or not he is the person that can meet your needs.
Do not rationalize and accept characteristics you know do not suit you
because you think you can change them later. Ask yourself, “Is he
responsible and does he know how to prioritize? Does he respect me for
who I am or does it seem like he wants to change me? Does he want me to
grow in mentally and spiritually as I continue in the path of Islam?” Be patient
Marriage is serious. Do not rush into it. Operating in haste usually
leads to disaster. Time is needed to get to know the person. Allah
teaches that those with patience will enter paradise. The Qur’an says, “Those
who show patience, firmness and self-control; who are true (in word and
deed); who worship devoutly; who spend (in the way of Allah; and who
pray for forgiveness in the early hours of the morning.” [3:17] Think for yourself
Try not to assume that the way he dresses or the way he speaks are
indications of his personality or how he will treat you. The “pious”
look does not always mean the person is pious. A man who references
Qur’an in every conversation he has with you is not necessarily pious
either. Try to erase any traits that may be artificial and forms of
deception to win your hand in marriage. Go with your heart
Use Allah’s signs and guidance to assist you along the way. Your
heart has the potential to guide in many cases where your mind may fail.
Sometimes we use our minds to rationalize things that we may not want
to see or acknowledge.
My personal experience in choosing a husband was unique because I was
extremely particular. I was more particular than my wali. When making
salah (the five daily prayers), I would ask Allah to grant me a husband
that met my list of 44 marital expectations. I considered the list a
prescription for a healthy marriage. Although my intended thought my
list was somewhat over the top, he agreed to all 44 conditions. We have
been married for three years and counting. In fact, we got married three
times—first Islamically, second civilly, and third with family and
friends present at the walimah (marriage feast). Al-Hamdulillah! There are not any guarantees that a marriage will be successful.
Of course there are things that can help reduce problems, but I truly
believe to be true what one friend once told, “A marriage is like a daily battle, every day both spouses must fight for it.”
I think this is one main reason why marriage is an interesting part of
life, and that is why it becomes so dear and valuable to us when we
succeed in keeping it alive. Pure Matrimony ….Where Practice Makes Perfect Article by-Islam Web – brought to you by Pure Matrimony- www.purematrimony.com – The World’s Largest Matrimonial Service For Practising Muslims. Love this article? Learn more by signing up for our updates here:http://purematrimony.com/blog Or register with us to find half of your deen Insha’Allah by going to:www.PureMatrimony.com
I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
